What was it like the first time you fell in love?
One word, butterflies!
It was passionate, maddening, wonderful, frustrating, and it really dose take the breath out of you! The problem is that sometimes it does that in a bad way. Life is ying and yang and while I don’t get into the whole beliefs about it, it is true to an extent! You cannot have passionate and absolute bliss without terrible anger and sadness to balance the universe.
That is how I feel about the “love of my life” and he is not the man I am with today, who has fathered my children, and stood by me in all things. I love my current boyfriend, love him considerably. I would protect him, stand beside him, help him succeed in anything he wanted, support his desicions, celebrate his successes, mourn his failures, lick his wounds, inflate his ego, and help him through any bad times. Those are the things you do for a partner whom you love and cherish. That is not what madly in love feels like …. at all!
Madly in love was a hurricane of disaster with a bright and shining rainbow at the end of each storm. It was being held after the most passionate love making and being told I would always have a guardian angel. It was fighting and screaming until the wee hours in the morning and then collapsing in a heap of pain that crumbled your entire soul. It was heartbreak when you were together and torture when you were apart! Physical pain upon separating from one another that honestly felt like someone had reached into your chest and clenched your heart into an iron fist! It was a desire to change yourself in hopes that it would make the other person happy, even when it may not have been healthy life decisions.
I honestly believe even to this day that we could never had made it as a couple simply because we loved each other too much. We were so in love that when the other one did something small that hurt one of us, it hurt so badly that it became a war. The little things you would normally allow your partner to slide on became too much for you to bear. The thought of them looking at another woman evoked the fear of them leaving you which brought on a historical panick that raidiated throughout your entire being. It wasn’t until the other one soothed you for hours that you could finally calm down and realize you were being irrational!
We were so passionately in love that everything we did was passionate including our fighting. He brought out things in me that I never knew existed. A meanness that I hope I never see again! A desperation that I hope to never feel again for the rest of my life. It was like my very existance hinged on his happiness and if he was unhappy so was I and if he was happy I was suspicious as to why he was so happy. I have never been like that with anyone!
We would break up and try to untangle ourselves from one another, and even tried to have other relationships. Ultimately we would find each other again, late at night when we needed to feel a familiar embrace, or when we just needed someone who truly understood the other one without even having to try. I remember driving into his driveway one night and he was sitting outside in the rain crying, sobbing from the soul crying, and I got out and hugged him. For over an hour we sat in the pouring cold rain while he cried into my hair and it was the most primal thing I have ever felt to this date. We connected more in that hour then we ever had during any other activity or conversation. He needed me and I needed him to need me.
Then something small would happen and we would fight, the “I can’t do this anymore” and “This is killing me” phrases flung around stinging like needles into your heart. We would separate and find each other and that went on for years!
I find myself thinking back and wondering why we didn’t just run away. Hide in a cabin in the woods were we could bask in the bliss of our perfect love with no outside forces to destroy us. We could have guarded the key to happiness ferociously together and actually lived a happily ever after fairy-tale. Instead we drove each other into depression and that is my single biggest regret.
One of the times we separated I had become pregnant with the guy had been dating (my current boyfriend) and I knew then that it was really over. I could never put my child through that sort of life filled with instability and insecurities. I stopped talking to him, I had to! I knew if I spoke with him I would not be able to stay away. He tried to contact me and start conversations – looking back now I know he was reaching out one last time for me to grab his hand and pull him from the darkness and I didn’t. He fell. He died. He is gone now.
He hung himself and I couldn’t prevent it or help him. This person, my other half, needed me and I allowed him nothing from me. This person who had been there for me time and time again, had always come rushing to the rescue no matter the problem, and who had always promised to be my guardian angel, needed saving once and I failed him. That is something I will never heal from but that I had to find a way to cope with.
True love – real true love – is scary and unpredictable but it is a power that I am incapable of describing. You touch and it’s like your body melts into theirs because you fit together like god built you for one another. You literally can look the other person in the eye and feel their emotions in your soul. You don’t miss each other, you jones for one another physically and cannot function without them their beside you! “”My other half” that saying is used to describe almost anyone but you never understand its true meaning until you find your soul-mate.
He was mine and I will never have another love like his. Sometimes late at night I cry out into the darkness because I still physically crave the touch of someone who can make me feel like I am floating without even having to try. Who knows my body better then I do because it is a mirror image of theirs. I fall to my knees and whimper because I just want five more seconds of ultimate bliss, I want to feel whole one more time with my other half.